I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn