I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
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