1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
