im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
