I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
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I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
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I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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