I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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