Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
