quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
