it was like his penis was on wheels.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
