how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
