Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
