so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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