there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
