Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
