Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
