Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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