I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
