Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
did you just send me my own nude
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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