Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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