my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
