How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
