I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
