you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up