I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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