You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
