I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
