genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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