true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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