I wish they made helmets for livers.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
