I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
