So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
