Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead