nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I still have a little drunk in my system
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
