He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Also, beer. Big fan.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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