I showed him my bush... on skype.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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