I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
