you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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