hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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