Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
