god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
