After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think my moral compass just broke
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
