Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
