My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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