I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
