We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
what the fuck happened to the tacos
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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