he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
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you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
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Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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