you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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