apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
