If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
