no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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