i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
