He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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