the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
