Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
