any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
True college students do jello shots in the library
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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