The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
