you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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