I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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