I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
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he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
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He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
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