You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
