New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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