you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
